Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
