Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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