I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
