Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
