i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
