No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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