I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
