we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
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This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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