Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
