so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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