I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
