I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
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getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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