Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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