They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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