Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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