Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
