he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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