it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
