I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
