I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
