her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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