I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
