I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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