He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
