She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
