I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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