I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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