he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
