Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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