I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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