it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
