The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
