Rock
Scissors
Fuck
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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