Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
