Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
