I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
