Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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