his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
