she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
