woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
me + whiskey = a bad person
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up under a house in Key West
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
