I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
