i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
