Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
