Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
