I could make wine with my vomit
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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