I think im going to throw up on grandma
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
