I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
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I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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