The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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