u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
