dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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