Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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